“You can’t have it all at once.”

Those are the words of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg when discussing career/life balance. I must say that I have to agree with her assessment. Doing anything actually substantial and doing it well requires truly devoting yourself to it. This is something I know from first-hand experience.

My time in grad school coincided with the time I spent as a caregiver for my family. While I did well (damn the A- that mucked up my spotless transcript), there were times I felt like I wasn’t able to fully take advantage of the opportunities that were presented to me; there were organizations I didn’t join, research opportunities that I passed on, conservations with mentors and colleagues that I didn’t pursue because I didn’t have the energy or because my mind was often preoccupied with concerns back home. I don’t say this as a way of blaming my family for any missed opportunities, because when I was home I often felt that I wasn’t able to be present in the way that I would have preferred either. Moments that could have been special were cut short, conversations that I’ll keep with me for years were condensed, and I often had to settle for providing care that was simply adequate rather than exemplary. Again, no blame (except for what I lay on myself, that’s something I’m still trying to learn to live with), just a realization that I was trying to simultaneously pursue two callings that even under the best of circumstances require a great deal of giving of yourself; that I was able to make do with them both I still regard as something of a miracle.

As I approached the end of grad school, I could tell that I was running on fumes. You can only operate on four hours of sleep, three pots of coffee, two packs of cigarettes, and one real meal a day for so long before it catches up with you. I had done it for three years, and I was torched. Shortly after the final stamp of approval was placed on my capstone, last December, I more or less collapsed. I was spent in every sense of that word--physically, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually exhausted. I was lucky enough to have a partner, a sister, and a best friend. These people had made the success of the previous three years possible in the first place, and for a few months they picked up my slack, even though they too were already burdened by their own loads.

As I started to slowly rebuild my strength, a few things began to become clear. First, I was going to have to take better care of myself. Second, I needed a break from anything as intense as what I had just endured, even if it meant readjusting my expectations for the future. And third, I needed a change of scenery. The first part wasn’t particularly difficult. I cut back on my smoking, and spent some time in the gym. For the second part I lucked out; Emma, who had always been quite career-oriented, informed me that she was perfectly fine with the idea of being the primary income earner. A second piece of good fortune occurred when she got word of her acceptance to a fairly exclusive program, which--if things worked out--would address our immediate financial concerns. Her new position would also address my third conclusion; the job was in Ohio and would require relocating.

Even though it’s something I knew that I needed to do, leaving my family was difficult. We had gotten through the previous few years as a unit, and it really created a feeling that I was breaking up the band. Everyone assured me that things would be fine, and truth be told, in the most technical sense the people that were staying behind were better qualified, professionally, to handle the responsibilities that were at hand, but I still felt a bit like I was abandoning them. At some point though, you make a decision about who you are living your life for, and at the end of the day (and quite a few sleepless nights) I decided that I was living this life for Emma and myself.

In a way, the decision I made coincides pretty well with some of the other observations and advice Justice Ginsberg dispensed. “If you have a caring life partner, you help the other person when that person needs it;” she also added that “I had a life partner who thought my work was as important as his, and I think that made all the difference for me.” Well, Emma had certainly been there for me. She had sacrificed more than I’ll probably ever have a real sense of in the previous few years, and I do think that her work and career is important, and I want her to be able to focus on that. So that’s how I came to live in Ohio—spending my days prepping home cooked gluten-free meals, compiling the grocery list, doing laundry, and when I have time writing things down to share in this space. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a small part of me that would love to be doing some high pressure, fast paced, socially impactful work, but Ginsburg’s wisdom is correct—“You can’t have it all at once”. So at the moment I’m not just happy, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to play a support role for my partner, to work on my health, and to simply exhale after years of feeling like I was holding my breath.

How Fight Club Helps Me Cope With Tragedy:

Even though this new year is young, we have already seen quite a bit of tragedy and loss in the world. When faced with sadness or loss, people often struggle with how to respond. Often I go back and re-watch movies. Partially for the opportunity to engage in a bit of escapism, but also because there are often great lessons to be gleaned from them. (If you think I’m being a bit daft, consider that at their most basic level many religious texts are simply collections of stories.)

 
One of my personal favorites is David Fincher’s 1999 film Fight Club. I think it’s a movie that is quite often misunderstood as some type of endorsement of hyper-masculine violence, and that today its biggest contribution to the cultural landscape might be people repurposing a quote from the film to instruct people on what not to talk about. However, there’s another moment from the movie that I think about from time to time, particularly in times of distress or anxiety. In a pivotal scene, Tyler Durden impresses upon the narrator the importance of “know(ing), not fear(ing) but know(ing) that someday you’re going to die.” Some might look at that as a bit morbid, particularly if you’re watching the movie in the wake of some tragedy, but I think that like the movie, they may be missing the point.
 

I would argue that the movie, and life itself, is largely about overcoming fear. The narrator in the film goes to great lengths to avoid confronting his fears with disastrous results. It’s only after he recognizes those fears and accepts them that he is able to overcome them and move forward. For us it’s quite similar. How much energy and effort do we put into avoiding even considering the existence of the things we are afraid of? And when life intervenes and doesn’t allow those fears to be shoved aside any longer, how often do we respond poorly because we are still reacting from a perspective of fear? Finally, how many things that you have extensive knowledge of--things that you know--are you afraid of? You may have a respect for something’s power. You may use your knowledge to avoid certain circumstances because you know the likely results, but you’re not really afraid of it. Fear and the unknown can’t exist without each other.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not recommending that we all go out and actively embrace death. What I’m saying is that once you know, and accept, that it too is a part of life, you’re better able to respond to it. I’m not saying that I’m perfect in this regard. When my parents got sick, I spent a good deal of time being afraid. I was scared because I had no way of knowing what the world would look or feel like without them. It kept me stuck for a while, spinning my wheels, but knowing and accepting that one day it was going to happen is one of the things that allowed me to move forward. It’s only after we realize that life is finite that we truly start living.

Got a Head Start on my Fresh Start

New Year’s Eve has always been one of my favorite holidays. Even now, when I don’t plan on spending the evening attempting to consume enough alcohol to satisfy a busload of roadies for Motley Crue, I still think it’s a good holiday, primarily because I’m really enamored with the idea of fresh starts. I realize that January 1^st  is just an arbitrary date, and the beginning of the year could just as easily fall in March or September (and in certain places it used to), but still, the idea of starting over is incredibly appealing. Maybe it speaks to human optimism, and a belief that what was doesn’t necessarily always have to be?  

I imagine that’s part of the motivation behind New Year’s resolutions. It’s a public (or private, if you’re that type of person) declaration of what you intend to change. Well, this year I’m in a bit of a quandary. Having just packed up my entire life and moved, I’m already just a few weeks into a completely new routine, and to be honest, I really like the direction it’s taking me so far. So instead of making resolutions this year, I’m going to share a few of the things that that have made this a fresh start. The first one is something that I’m sure a lot of you might be pondering for one of your resolutions, working out. I’m no stranger to the gym, and I’ve spent plenty of hours working out this year, but the last few weeks I’ve been trying to actually enjoy the time I’m spending in there for its own sake, not for what I’m going to get out of it in terms of physique, and not as a way to distract myself from things that are bothering me. I’m not saying that I’m not going in there with a plan, or that I don’t notice and gain a certain amount gratification from any aesthetic improvements. I’ve just chosen to actually fully experience and enjoy my time in there for what it is, an opportunity to use my body and push myself physically and mentally.

The second thing I’m working on this year is trying to be optimistic and positive. I don’t mean being unreasonably optimistic, but more along the lines of not looking for the negative in every situation; the reason that a plan won’t work or the smudge that ruins a masterpiece. If you know me, you know this is a heavy lift for me, figuratively speaking. I know I haven’t, or won’t, always succeed with this, but just consciously attempting it has produced results that I’ve noticed.

Finally, my writing here is something that has been a big change. Having an ongoing project, one that causes me to think about ideas or events that I want to write down, and sticking to it, has been a big change from how I’ve approached writing in the past. Academic writing afforded me an opportunity to procrastinate, to obsess over an idea, a single paragraph, or even just a couple of sentences for days. By the way, that style can and probably will lead you to turning in your capstone project six months later than you intended to (I’m not kicking myself too much, that amount of freedom and space swallows some people whole and they never finish). Writing daily posts doesn’t just take commitment; it requires you to look at the world differently. Rather than just stumble through the day, you start to notice things, even if there isn’t very much happening and all you’re noticing are what thoughts you’re having. I’ve noticed that it’s made me much more present, mentally.

One thing that I’ve noticed is the importance of being kind and understanding with yourself. It’s different than being lazy. It’s about realizing that we all fall short of our goals sometimes, and not letting one setback derail your entire program.  

 
Well, those are some of the things that I’ve been doing with my fresh start. What are you planning on doing with yours? Feel free to put your thoughts down in the comment section.

Say What You Mean

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday weekend, I know that I did. I ate plenty of good food that I’ll be trying to work off this week, and I was finally able to introduce Emma to the awesomeness that is the Indiana Jones trilogy (yes, I know there are four movies, but just like The Godfather Part 3 and Rocky 5, good taste precludes me from recognizing the existence of Kingdom of George Lucas’ Hubris-Filled Cash Grab).

So with that update out of the way, I figured that I would share with you something I observed. Those of you that are able to get out into the world may have noticed that often you will exchange greetings with a stranger that proceed something like this—one person will say, “How are you doing?” and instead of answering the person’s question the response will be something “Hi” or “Hey, how are you doing?” I know that I’ve been on both ends of this type of interaction. I imagine that most people aren’t really interested in the current status of a stranger’s well-being, and they are just using “How are you doing?” as a standard greeting.

 
Well, maybe it’s just because I only know three people within a hundred square miles of where I’m sitting, and I’m a little bit starved for actual human contact, but I’ve made a concerted effort for the last few weeks to actually answer back whenever somebody poses this question to me. Nothing too involved, just a simple “pretty good”, “not too bad”, or if it’s been a long day, “I’m hanging in there”. I’ve noticed that some people seem to be taken aback by actually receiving a response, but most people seem to respond positively to actually being acknowledged, rather than brushed off.  Like I said, I only actually know a handful of people here, so the people I’m directing this to tend to be the guy behind the cash register at the gas station, the attendants at the gym, or the woman behind the counter at the library. Maybe they’re not used to people treating them like actual human beings, instead of something that people are forced to interact with in order to complete some task. I’m not trying to imply that I’m doing them some favor, or anything; actually, I think I’m getting way more out of the exchanges than they are. However, I do think it would improve the world, even if just slightly, if people started treating service sector workers a little bit better.