How Fight Club Helps Me Cope With Tragedy:

Even though this new year is young, we have already seen quite a bit of tragedy and loss in the world. When faced with sadness or loss, people often struggle with how to respond. Often I go back and re-watch movies. Partially for the opportunity to engage in a bit of escapism, but also because there are often great lessons to be gleaned from them. (If you think I’m being a bit daft, consider that at their most basic level many religious texts are simply collections of stories.)

 
One of my personal favorites is David Fincher’s 1999 film Fight Club. I think it’s a movie that is quite often misunderstood as some type of endorsement of hyper-masculine violence, and that today its biggest contribution to the cultural landscape might be people repurposing a quote from the film to instruct people on what not to talk about. However, there’s another moment from the movie that I think about from time to time, particularly in times of distress or anxiety. In a pivotal scene, Tyler Durden impresses upon the narrator the importance of “know(ing), not fear(ing) but know(ing) that someday you’re going to die.” Some might look at that as a bit morbid, particularly if you’re watching the movie in the wake of some tragedy, but I think that like the movie, they may be missing the point.
 

I would argue that the movie, and life itself, is largely about overcoming fear. The narrator in the film goes to great lengths to avoid confronting his fears with disastrous results. It’s only after he recognizes those fears and accepts them that he is able to overcome them and move forward. For us it’s quite similar. How much energy and effort do we put into avoiding even considering the existence of the things we are afraid of? And when life intervenes and doesn’t allow those fears to be shoved aside any longer, how often do we respond poorly because we are still reacting from a perspective of fear? Finally, how many things that you have extensive knowledge of--things that you know--are you afraid of? You may have a respect for something’s power. You may use your knowledge to avoid certain circumstances because you know the likely results, but you’re not really afraid of it. Fear and the unknown can’t exist without each other.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not recommending that we all go out and actively embrace death. What I’m saying is that once you know, and accept, that it too is a part of life, you’re better able to respond to it. I’m not saying that I’m perfect in this regard. When my parents got sick, I spent a good deal of time being afraid. I was scared because I had no way of knowing what the world would look or feel like without them. It kept me stuck for a while, spinning my wheels, but knowing and accepting that one day it was going to happen is one of the things that allowed me to move forward. It’s only after we realize that life is finite that we truly start living.